darkhavens (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
darkhavens) wrote2009-09-16 12:46 am
darkhavens) wrote2009-09-16 12:46 am
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Microfic Meme: Ten Genres in Ten Sentences (x5 fandoms)
So, way back in March, a Microfic Meme appeared on my flist and I snagged it. The idea was to write ten sentences in ten genres for a particular fandom - Angst, AU, Crack, Crossover, First Time, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Smut, and UST.
I did it for John/Rodney (Stargate Atlantis) and then forgot about it until yesterday, at which point I went a little mad and also did the meme for Spike/Xander (Buffy), Bruce/Wally (DC Comics/Toons) and Sam/Dean (Supernatural). Today, I finished off the set with Jack/Nathan (Eureka).
This is what happens when I want to write but can't choose a fandom, let alone a genre. *g*
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darkhavens
Title: Microfic Meme: Ten Genres in Ten Sentences (x Five Fandoms)
Rating: G to NC-17
Fandom/Pairing: John/Rodney (Stargate Atlantis), Spike/Xander (Buffy), Bruce/Wally (DC Comics/Toons), Sam/Dean (Supernatural), Jack/Nathan (Eureka)
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No harm, no foul, no money made.
Warnings/Squicks: **Mention of non-graphic character death (twice), incest, bondage, fetish wear, voyeurism.**
Word count: 2304
Stargate Atlantis: John Sheppard/Rodney McKay
Angst - Bug!John's irate chittering faded slowly as Rodney stumbled away from the Wraith containment cell.
AU - "Doctor McKay, the new mathematician says to tell you that your numbers are wrong and that you'll wipe Los Alamos off the map if you don't correct them before tomorrow's little experiment."
Crack - Teyla, as the recently elected Queen of New Pegasus, performed their marriage ceremony in the Receiving Hall of Atlantis; an event which ended with John and Rodney running hand in hand through the gauntlet of pretend Wraith to jump symbolically to safety and a new life though the unactivated Ring of the Ancestors.
Crossover - John sparkled in the fading daylight as he watched his precious, clumsy Rodney sulking and skulking, all alone amidst the hustle and bustle of high school life. (Twilight)
First Time - Okay, so maybe he hadn't actually done it before, but eight gigabytes of gay porn and a well-thumbed copy of The Gay Kama Sutra meant he was at the very least slightly gay, so he hadn't really lied to Colonel Shep- John, right?
Fluff - Smuggling Rodney's cat to the Pegasus Galaxy had been worth it, John decided, just for the look on Rodney's face when he heard that first miaow.
Humor - When Rodney burst into the room, clad in nothing but shorts and an unbuttoned shirt, hands flapping so hard he almost took off as he tried to explain the Eureka! moment he'd had while bathing, John made the executive decision not to tell him that he was still sporting a bubblebath mohawk.
Hurt/Comfort - "I promise you, John, whatever they decide, we're taking Atlantis home to Pegasus."
Smut - Getting the bubblebath was easy; the hard part was tracking down and negotiating a trade for the waterproof lube.
UST - One of these late nights or early mornings, John told himself, he was going to walk into the lab, grab Rodney by the back of the neck and kiss him till his ears popped, but- "Come on, Grumpy, the other dwarves are already tucked up in bed; it's time you were too," -this was not that night.
#
Buffy: Spike/Xander
Angst - Xander kept trying to explain that he wasn't crying; he just had dust in his eyes because he'd been standing too close when the stake went in.
AU - Master William Woolstenholme the Third – "My friends call me Will" - is sorta prissy and quiet, but Airman Alexander LaVelle Harris, of the US Army Air Corps, thinks he's pretty cute with all those curls and decides it might be worth the gamble, seeing as how he's far from home and his Ma and Pa aren't around to see their boy making googly eyes at another guy the night before he's due to make his first flight into enemy territory.
Crack - Xander carries right on licking his balls and tries not to whine too loud as the Siamese intruder – Ssssssssssssspike – makes himself at home in Xander's own bed, lined with Xander's Master's snarled old sweater and his squeaky toys.
Crossover - Xander hangs helpless in the Wraith cocoon and tries not to snicker as Spike verbally flays the über-Goth wannabe with merciless skill, dancing ever closer until he finally gets his hands on one of their strange-looking energy weapons; then it's all over bar the shouting… and the shooting. (Stargate Atlantis)
First Time - "Ow! OW! Bollocks! Dammit, you vicious little hunk of scrap metal – can't you see the stupid git's begging for it? I'm not hurting him hurting him; it's a good pain!"
Fluff - Xander keeps the heat in the bedroom turned down as low as he can bear because Spike likes lots of blankets, and he snuggles.
Humor - Spike thought replacing Xander's favourite movies with home-made gay porn was hilarious, until the idiot decided to host movie night at their place without telling him first; Dawn didn't stop bugging him for details for months.
Hurt/Comfort - "I've caught you a present, my Spike; a pretty kitten, all dreams and hunger unfulfilled, to keep you warm and fed and happy, and to be your legs until your wheels come off."
Smut - Spike sinks his fangs in as he comes and feels Xander clench around him, shuddering in pain-become-ecstasy; riding high on endorphins, adrenaline and life, so close to death.
UST - Spike was beginning to think he could walk right up to Xander and kiss him and still have him miss the point – he'd let the daft sod pocket his Zippo after all; how much more obvious did he need to be?
#
DC comics/toons: Bruce/Wally
Angst - Every day, after work, Wally visited Bruce at Arkham and told him wildly improbable tales of helping save the world and avert apocalypses with the 'League' of aliens and superhuman heroes Bruce fervently believed was real.
AU - Batman carefully tuned the portal to another dimension – he'd lost count of how many he'd tried – searching for that one perfect world where Bruce Wayne lived but didn't work with the League or Lords or whatever they were calling themselves; a perfect world with an untouched Wally who was waiting for him, who would welcome him when he took over Wayne's life and reinvented himself as The Batman once more.
Crack - "Okay, so you're not actually the kinkiest guy I've ever met, and the closet full of fetish gear is actually your weird-ass vigilante costume, but does this mean the sex is going to be vanilla, because that's a deal-breaker."
Crossover - Of Batman's many and varied plans to save the world from annihilation or apocalypse, not a single one was aimed at rescuing the planet from a man-made super-flu virus, and only the survival of Wally West, with his hyperactive immune system, gave him the strength of will to help plan the downfall of the one they call The Walking Dude, Randall Flagg. (Stephen King's The Stand)
First Time - "Okay, yeah, so I have a bit of a hair trigger – I'm really sorry about the cape, by the way, dude, but you can get Alfred to launder it, right? – but I also have the refractory period of a horny rabbit on those little blue pills they keep pushing on you older guys in all those junk emails… aaaaaaaaaand, we're back in business, so what are you waiting for, Big Guy, get that rubber suit off and let's get busy!"
Fluff - The bear is cute and fuzzy with an appliquéd Batman symbol on its chest and a fuzzy felt cowl and polyester cape, so he spares .76 of a second to be overcome by emotion at the thoughtfulness behind the unexpected delivery, then starts hunting for a pod or an antidote or something to explain the birthday gift away, because no way had Batman come up with that idea of his own free will.
Humor - "Hey, when I asked if you wanted to tie me up, I meant as a kind of foreplay, a kinky sex game or something; I wasn't expecting you to strap me to your workbench and then go back to sorting out your paperwork, so can you please just… Batman? Bruce! Are you even listening to me?!"
Hurt/Comfort - Batman had seen what happened – to him, to them – when Wally was killed in that other dimension, but he couldn't stop watching and wanting and waiting for his chance to grab on tight, to hold and not let go, and Wally understood, and let Batman take as long as he needed to convince himself to make his move; he understood he was the light to Batman's darkness, the comfort to his hurt.
Smut - Before Batman, Wally was almost one hundred percent sure – okay, maybe seventy five… sixty, at least – that Kevlar and Nomex and acres of shiny black latex – okay, scratch that last one – had never been part of his fantasy sex life, which had been wild and varied, thank you very much, but not so much with the sharp, pointy ears or the tricked out utility belt; he hadn't known what he was missing.
UST - Bruce knows he shouldn't be so reckless, so addicted, so needy, but that doesn't stop him wiring up Wally's earthside apartment and his rooms in the Watchtower with several thousand dollars' worth of miniature cameras and microphones, all carefully shielded and feeding live footage to his own secure network where he can watch and want and wish to his heart's content.
#
Supernatural: Sam/Dean
Angst - Truth be told, Dean isn't angry or horrified that Sam appears to be turning to the dark side; what nearly breaks him is that Sam hasn't bothered to invite him along for the ride, after everything they've shared.
AU - After their mom is taken, their dad gets squirrelly and suspicious and turns away from God, refusing to let the boys out of his sight for more than minutes at a time for years, way past the point when boys get curious about certain things and begin to experiment; he believes the developing layers of sin will keep them safe from the Angels who stole his Mary.
Crack - "Tho how come you're the one with the wingth and I get thtuck with thith thupid forked tongue and a louthy tail, Tham?"
Crossover - "I swear, Sammy, if you don't stop laughing, I'm going to drag you back to their nest and we'll see how you handle a dozen sparkly vampires on your own!" (Twilight. Again. Sorry. *g*)
First Time - The guilt almost overwhelms Dean, but this is Sammy's first time and he actually begged, and then climbed on top and begged some more, and Dean would rather cut out his tongue than break his brother's heart and his spirit by saying no; God help him, he's been dreaming of this for years.
Fluff - They have laundry down to an art form now – Sam empties pockets and sorts the darks from the lights while Dean pre-soaks the worst of the stains and makes the keep or can decisions; they'd laugh at anyone who called them domesticated.
Humor - "I swear to God, dude, if you buy one more packet of itching powder, I'll paint the Impala pink myself."
Hurt/Comfort - "I know they broke you, Dean; they fought for the right to come and tell me just how low you finally fell before He got you out and gave you back to me, but you have to talk, Dean; you have to tell me the truth before I can make it go away, make it all better."
Smut - They really are too big now to make out in the back seat of the Impala, but they never let that stop them when the urge hits and they're miles from the nearest motel; the close quarters make it that much more intense and they can ease the ever-present skin hunger without resorting to unmanly cuddling.
UST - The closeness they shared before is nowhere in evidence once Dean has returned and Sam doesn't have a clue how to articulate his growing need, his gnawing hunger, his constant desire; doesn't have a clue how Dean would react now he's spending time with Angels.
#
Eureka: Jack/Nathan
Angst - Jack's desperate enough to clutch at straws and he's seen enough science fiction to know the tropes: just because a guy dissolves into dust and ash before your very eyes doesn't necessarily mean he's dead; the good guys come back.
AU - The explosion that rolled through town, rattling windows, spooking the horses and shaking the ground beneath Sheriff Carter's feet made him roll his eyes and bid a frustrated farewell to his deputy with a muttered, "Looks like Doc Stark's experimenting with his newfangled explosives again; don't let the mayor start the meeting with the railroad folks without me."
Crack - Jack only has vague memories of his three days as a dog: following Nathan Stark around and begging for attention; rolling over on his back to get his belly scratched; but, most embarrassing of all, he clearly recalls humping Nathan's leg at a table outside Café Diem.
Crossover - Jack always has fun when John and Rodney come to town; he gets the beer and snacks in, lines up a few dodgy movies and then invites them round for dinner knowing he and John will spend the evening snickering at the way their geeks can't help but bitch and fight over every little thing. (Stargate Atlantis. Again. :D)
First Time - Their first time is actually their third, but they decide that the thing with the apparently-not-a-tranquilizer-after-all gun doesn't count, and they both swore at the time to pretend the gender swap fiasco never happened.
Fluff - Zoë is quietly amused by the way her dad and Nathan Stark act like teenagers in love when they think she's not around, from playing footsie under the dinner table to snuggling up on the couch and having mock slap fights over the last handful of popcorn.
Humor - When Jo finds out, she organizes a joint coming-out party at Café Diem and then enrolls Alison in the plot to get them both to turn up unawares; they're washing rainbow glitter out of their hair for days.
Hurt/Comfort - The experimental throat spray stops the pain but also somehow glues Jack's vocal chords together, and for six days, he's reduced to basic, sometimes inexplicable hand signals and whiteboards until Nathan appears at the door with a cobbled together lip-reading device; Jack kisses him.
Smut - Nathan's short beard against his inner thighs makes Jack squirm and beg; it never gets old, but he could do without the smirk on Jo's face when he walks into the office just a little bow-legged after an energetic night.
UST - The tailored look really works for Nathan – all those sleek suits and ties – but the first time Jack sees his nemesis in ratty jeans and a cotton tee with a crumpled checked shirt hanging loose off his shoulders, Jack practically combusts on the spot.
I did it for John/Rodney (Stargate Atlantis) and then forgot about it until yesterday, at which point I went a little mad and also did the meme for Spike/Xander (Buffy), Bruce/Wally (DC Comics/Toons) and Sam/Dean (Supernatural). Today, I finished off the set with Jack/Nathan (Eureka).
This is what happens when I want to write but can't choose a fandom, let alone a genre. *g*
Author:
darkhavensTitle: Microfic Meme: Ten Genres in Ten Sentences (x Five Fandoms)
Rating: G to NC-17
Fandom/Pairing: John/Rodney (Stargate Atlantis), Spike/Xander (Buffy), Bruce/Wally (DC Comics/Toons), Sam/Dean (Supernatural), Jack/Nathan (Eureka)
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No harm, no foul, no money made.
Warnings/Squicks: **Mention of non-graphic character death (twice), incest, bondage, fetish wear, voyeurism.**
Word count: 2304
Stargate Atlantis: John Sheppard/Rodney McKay
Angst - Bug!John's irate chittering faded slowly as Rodney stumbled away from the Wraith containment cell.
AU - "Doctor McKay, the new mathematician says to tell you that your numbers are wrong and that you'll wipe Los Alamos off the map if you don't correct them before tomorrow's little experiment."
Crack - Teyla, as the recently elected Queen of New Pegasus, performed their marriage ceremony in the Receiving Hall of Atlantis; an event which ended with John and Rodney running hand in hand through the gauntlet of pretend Wraith to jump symbolically to safety and a new life though the unactivated Ring of the Ancestors.
Crossover - John sparkled in the fading daylight as he watched his precious, clumsy Rodney sulking and skulking, all alone amidst the hustle and bustle of high school life. (Twilight)
First Time - Okay, so maybe he hadn't actually done it before, but eight gigabytes of gay porn and a well-thumbed copy of The Gay Kama Sutra meant he was at the very least slightly gay, so he hadn't really lied to Colonel Shep- John, right?
Fluff - Smuggling Rodney's cat to the Pegasus Galaxy had been worth it, John decided, just for the look on Rodney's face when he heard that first miaow.
Humor - When Rodney burst into the room, clad in nothing but shorts and an unbuttoned shirt, hands flapping so hard he almost took off as he tried to explain the Eureka! moment he'd had while bathing, John made the executive decision not to tell him that he was still sporting a bubblebath mohawk.
Hurt/Comfort - "I promise you, John, whatever they decide, we're taking Atlantis home to Pegasus."
Smut - Getting the bubblebath was easy; the hard part was tracking down and negotiating a trade for the waterproof lube.
UST - One of these late nights or early mornings, John told himself, he was going to walk into the lab, grab Rodney by the back of the neck and kiss him till his ears popped, but- "Come on, Grumpy, the other dwarves are already tucked up in bed; it's time you were too," -this was not that night.
#
Buffy: Spike/Xander
Angst - Xander kept trying to explain that he wasn't crying; he just had dust in his eyes because he'd been standing too close when the stake went in.
AU - Master William Woolstenholme the Third – "My friends call me Will" - is sorta prissy and quiet, but Airman Alexander LaVelle Harris, of the US Army Air Corps, thinks he's pretty cute with all those curls and decides it might be worth the gamble, seeing as how he's far from home and his Ma and Pa aren't around to see their boy making googly eyes at another guy the night before he's due to make his first flight into enemy territory.
Crack - Xander carries right on licking his balls and tries not to whine too loud as the Siamese intruder – Ssssssssssssspike – makes himself at home in Xander's own bed, lined with Xander's Master's snarled old sweater and his squeaky toys.
Crossover - Xander hangs helpless in the Wraith cocoon and tries not to snicker as Spike verbally flays the über-Goth wannabe with merciless skill, dancing ever closer until he finally gets his hands on one of their strange-looking energy weapons; then it's all over bar the shouting… and the shooting. (Stargate Atlantis)
First Time - "Ow! OW! Bollocks! Dammit, you vicious little hunk of scrap metal – can't you see the stupid git's begging for it? I'm not hurting him hurting him; it's a good pain!"
Fluff - Xander keeps the heat in the bedroom turned down as low as he can bear because Spike likes lots of blankets, and he snuggles.
Humor - Spike thought replacing Xander's favourite movies with home-made gay porn was hilarious, until the idiot decided to host movie night at their place without telling him first; Dawn didn't stop bugging him for details for months.
Hurt/Comfort - "I've caught you a present, my Spike; a pretty kitten, all dreams and hunger unfulfilled, to keep you warm and fed and happy, and to be your legs until your wheels come off."
Smut - Spike sinks his fangs in as he comes and feels Xander clench around him, shuddering in pain-become-ecstasy; riding high on endorphins, adrenaline and life, so close to death.
UST - Spike was beginning to think he could walk right up to Xander and kiss him and still have him miss the point – he'd let the daft sod pocket his Zippo after all; how much more obvious did he need to be?
#
DC comics/toons: Bruce/Wally
Angst - Every day, after work, Wally visited Bruce at Arkham and told him wildly improbable tales of helping save the world and avert apocalypses with the 'League' of aliens and superhuman heroes Bruce fervently believed was real.
AU - Batman carefully tuned the portal to another dimension – he'd lost count of how many he'd tried – searching for that one perfect world where Bruce Wayne lived but didn't work with the League or Lords or whatever they were calling themselves; a perfect world with an untouched Wally who was waiting for him, who would welcome him when he took over Wayne's life and reinvented himself as The Batman once more.
Crack - "Okay, so you're not actually the kinkiest guy I've ever met, and the closet full of fetish gear is actually your weird-ass vigilante costume, but does this mean the sex is going to be vanilla, because that's a deal-breaker."
Crossover - Of Batman's many and varied plans to save the world from annihilation or apocalypse, not a single one was aimed at rescuing the planet from a man-made super-flu virus, and only the survival of Wally West, with his hyperactive immune system, gave him the strength of will to help plan the downfall of the one they call The Walking Dude, Randall Flagg. (Stephen King's The Stand)
First Time - "Okay, yeah, so I have a bit of a hair trigger – I'm really sorry about the cape, by the way, dude, but you can get Alfred to launder it, right? – but I also have the refractory period of a horny rabbit on those little blue pills they keep pushing on you older guys in all those junk emails… aaaaaaaaaand, we're back in business, so what are you waiting for, Big Guy, get that rubber suit off and let's get busy!"
Fluff - The bear is cute and fuzzy with an appliquéd Batman symbol on its chest and a fuzzy felt cowl and polyester cape, so he spares .76 of a second to be overcome by emotion at the thoughtfulness behind the unexpected delivery, then starts hunting for a pod or an antidote or something to explain the birthday gift away, because no way had Batman come up with that idea of his own free will.
Humor - "Hey, when I asked if you wanted to tie me up, I meant as a kind of foreplay, a kinky sex game or something; I wasn't expecting you to strap me to your workbench and then go back to sorting out your paperwork, so can you please just… Batman? Bruce! Are you even listening to me?!"
Hurt/Comfort - Batman had seen what happened – to him, to them – when Wally was killed in that other dimension, but he couldn't stop watching and wanting and waiting for his chance to grab on tight, to hold and not let go, and Wally understood, and let Batman take as long as he needed to convince himself to make his move; he understood he was the light to Batman's darkness, the comfort to his hurt.
Smut - Before Batman, Wally was almost one hundred percent sure – okay, maybe seventy five… sixty, at least – that Kevlar and Nomex and acres of shiny black latex – okay, scratch that last one – had never been part of his fantasy sex life, which had been wild and varied, thank you very much, but not so much with the sharp, pointy ears or the tricked out utility belt; he hadn't known what he was missing.
UST - Bruce knows he shouldn't be so reckless, so addicted, so needy, but that doesn't stop him wiring up Wally's earthside apartment and his rooms in the Watchtower with several thousand dollars' worth of miniature cameras and microphones, all carefully shielded and feeding live footage to his own secure network where he can watch and want and wish to his heart's content.
#
Supernatural: Sam/Dean
Angst - Truth be told, Dean isn't angry or horrified that Sam appears to be turning to the dark side; what nearly breaks him is that Sam hasn't bothered to invite him along for the ride, after everything they've shared.
AU - After their mom is taken, their dad gets squirrelly and suspicious and turns away from God, refusing to let the boys out of his sight for more than minutes at a time for years, way past the point when boys get curious about certain things and begin to experiment; he believes the developing layers of sin will keep them safe from the Angels who stole his Mary.
Crack - "Tho how come you're the one with the wingth and I get thtuck with thith thupid forked tongue and a louthy tail, Tham?"
Crossover - "I swear, Sammy, if you don't stop laughing, I'm going to drag you back to their nest and we'll see how you handle a dozen sparkly vampires on your own!" (Twilight. Again. Sorry. *g*)
First Time - The guilt almost overwhelms Dean, but this is Sammy's first time and he actually begged, and then climbed on top and begged some more, and Dean would rather cut out his tongue than break his brother's heart and his spirit by saying no; God help him, he's been dreaming of this for years.
Fluff - They have laundry down to an art form now – Sam empties pockets and sorts the darks from the lights while Dean pre-soaks the worst of the stains and makes the keep or can decisions; they'd laugh at anyone who called them domesticated.
Humor - "I swear to God, dude, if you buy one more packet of itching powder, I'll paint the Impala pink myself."
Hurt/Comfort - "I know they broke you, Dean; they fought for the right to come and tell me just how low you finally fell before He got you out and gave you back to me, but you have to talk, Dean; you have to tell me the truth before I can make it go away, make it all better."
Smut - They really are too big now to make out in the back seat of the Impala, but they never let that stop them when the urge hits and they're miles from the nearest motel; the close quarters make it that much more intense and they can ease the ever-present skin hunger without resorting to unmanly cuddling.
UST - The closeness they shared before is nowhere in evidence once Dean has returned and Sam doesn't have a clue how to articulate his growing need, his gnawing hunger, his constant desire; doesn't have a clue how Dean would react now he's spending time with Angels.
#
Eureka: Jack/Nathan
Angst - Jack's desperate enough to clutch at straws and he's seen enough science fiction to know the tropes: just because a guy dissolves into dust and ash before your very eyes doesn't necessarily mean he's dead; the good guys come back.
AU - The explosion that rolled through town, rattling windows, spooking the horses and shaking the ground beneath Sheriff Carter's feet made him roll his eyes and bid a frustrated farewell to his deputy with a muttered, "Looks like Doc Stark's experimenting with his newfangled explosives again; don't let the mayor start the meeting with the railroad folks without me."
Crack - Jack only has vague memories of his three days as a dog: following Nathan Stark around and begging for attention; rolling over on his back to get his belly scratched; but, most embarrassing of all, he clearly recalls humping Nathan's leg at a table outside Café Diem.
Crossover - Jack always has fun when John and Rodney come to town; he gets the beer and snacks in, lines up a few dodgy movies and then invites them round for dinner knowing he and John will spend the evening snickering at the way their geeks can't help but bitch and fight over every little thing. (Stargate Atlantis. Again. :D)
First Time - Their first time is actually their third, but they decide that the thing with the apparently-not-a-tranquilizer-after-all gun doesn't count, and they both swore at the time to pretend the gender swap fiasco never happened.
Fluff - Zoë is quietly amused by the way her dad and Nathan Stark act like teenagers in love when they think she's not around, from playing footsie under the dinner table to snuggling up on the couch and having mock slap fights over the last handful of popcorn.
Humor - When Jo finds out, she organizes a joint coming-out party at Café Diem and then enrolls Alison in the plot to get them both to turn up unawares; they're washing rainbow glitter out of their hair for days.
Hurt/Comfort - The experimental throat spray stops the pain but also somehow glues Jack's vocal chords together, and for six days, he's reduced to basic, sometimes inexplicable hand signals and whiteboards until Nathan appears at the door with a cobbled together lip-reading device; Jack kisses him.
Smut - Nathan's short beard against his inner thighs makes Jack squirm and beg; it never gets old, but he could do without the smirk on Jo's face when he walks into the office just a little bow-legged after an energetic night.
UST - The tailored look really works for Nathan – all those sleek suits and ties – but the first time Jack sees his nemesis in ratty jeans and a cotton tee with a crumpled checked shirt hanging loose off his shoulders, Jack practically combusts on the spot.
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